Mind Dump 5: Back to Studying & Kid Sleep Issues

It’s been a while.

I was swept into the tide of following the anti-white supremacist movement on twitter. I’ve made a fool of myself in the process; not from ill will, but just from general ignorance. I think I desire to be cooler than I actually am, and now I’m just looking like a big idiot. Oh well. Gotta learn somehow.

I’ve finally got the chance to get back into the swing of studying. I’m at a starbucks right now with the intention to dedicating some time reading my textbook. I know I need to do better – dedicate more time, and be willing to get off social media (so hard right now) to devote time to what it is I want to do: become a linguist.

But I’m also feeling very humanist – I want to be a change. I don’t know how to do that, and I’m slowly learning how. I want to be able to both study and be a positive influence at the same time, but I am a terrible time manager and I can barely get myself to do the dishes and cook dinner all in the same day. Stupid, eh? Also not very promising once I get back into academia.

The girls continue to be difficult when it comes to bedtime. K just refuses to go to sleep at a reasonable time, and I think no amount of sleep training will help with that. We’re going to need to adjust how we deal with her and our expectations of her.

Life, for me, is pretty hard right now. There’s a lot more I want to say about it, but for the sake of my family, I will keep my mouth shut. I’m just not all that happy with our circumstances, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Guess I better get started on this studying thing, since that’s what I’m here to do.

Mind Dump 4: The Pain of Today

Today was hard for me. I felt like every second of the day the kids demanded my attention and wouldn’t take no for an answer. So much screaming and whining and fussing. K refused everything I put in front of her for dinner. O wanted to sit on the toilet every other moment, even though I know she knows she doesn’t have to go – she just wants stickers for her sticker chart. I didn’t have a lot of patience today to begin with, so I was a grumpy, mean mommy.

Last night I completed skeletal versions of the rest of the flashcards I needed to make. My 320 words include the simple definition as provided by the GRE book. O helped me shuffle them today so I can get ready to start the actual studying/acquisition process.


Being the weird person that I am, I want an official (arbitrary) start date of August 1st so that I can measure how quickly/slowly it takes to reach a point of satisfaction. Having an extra two days really doesn’t matter in the long run, but that’s just the way I am I guess.

So tonight and tomorrow, I’ll continue the arduous task of filling in the rest of the cards that I will start studying on August 1st (the first round of 20 cards plus however many other cards I can get to between today and Tuesday). Though, the husband did say he would give me a good long break tomorrow. Maybe I’ll use that to start the math side of studying.

Or maybe I’ll relax. Not sure what that will entail. Maybe I’ll find a trail to walk on or a beach to lounge at. Hmm…

Motherly Woes

I have children who struggle with sleep. My youngest daughter, currently 15 months, is in a constant state of teething: there are always three to four teeth coming in at once. Luckily once this round is done, only two year molars remain, but I have a feeling that once her canine come in, those molars won’t be too far behind.

So I sit here, listening to her wail after having spent an hour in her room trying to soothe her. Nothing works. Now I’m out of her way, and she is practically growling in there. What a mean mommy I am.

It’s frustrating. I’m constantly second guessing myself. She needs sleep training, but is now the time to do it when I know there are three canines coming in? In turn, do I really want my entire night dominated by her cute little presence when I’ve spent the entire day in her presence? Always on call, 24/7, wondering what I’m doing to fuck things up this time — Fuck it up with too much love and back-bending, or fuck it up with not enough compassion in a time of need.

This is why I have trouble getting on track for doing anything. I’ve been reading the linguistics and grammar textbooks, but infrequently and without any real plan in mind. Notes here and there as I think of it. But then I have nights like these, quite often, where I give in to their little demands because it’s just easier that way. Who wants to listen to a baby wail for hours? Not me, especially when I’m already wore down to the marrow.

I had the intention of getting up early in the morning to get some work done then, but I still have frequent night wakings where I have to soothe one or both children at some point during the night. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve had 8 hours of consecutive sleep. Or six. Last night I got maybe four – between 1:30 am to 5:30am. Doesn’t make for very restful sleep, and hell if I’m going to get up early when I can’t even get my ass to bed until late at night because I need SOME down time.

I keep hearing, and keep telling myself, “It’ll get better.” When, exactly? When they’re 18 and out of the house?

Wah wah wah waaaaahhhh.



In other news, I started following some linguistic word press sites. I love posts like this one about distinguishing between theta and eth.

It’s worth noting that function words in English, like pronouns, prepositions, and determiners, tend to have ð, while content words, especially nouns, tend to have θ.


A letter to K


You had a rough night tonight. You looked like, and sounded like, you were in a lot of pain.

It sucks being a mom sometimes, because there is not a lot I can do to help. I gave you pain meds, and I gave you love. It wasn’t enough to help you feel better.

At times you let me put you in your crib, and I sat on the floor tickling tiny baby feet that stuck out between the crib slats. It worked as a good distraction for a while. You even lay your head down, and I caressed your hair. I stopped too prematurely because you sat up again.

We tangoed often tonight. I put you down and left. You cried and growled and screamed. I came back in and held you for a bit. It wasn’t until nearly 1am that you finally snuggled into my chest as I hummed a made-up song for you. Your body limp in my arms, I gently lay you down for the last time tonight. 

You’re 44 weeks (10 months), which is a wonder week. You are definitely more cognitively able to communicate and move around now than you were just a few days ago. You’re pulling yourself up on anything sturdy enough to hold you. Your favorite object to use is me or your papa. Once you’re standing, you try to snatch the glasses off of our faces, and you often succeed. It’s very irritating. You’re quite the master.
Military crawl is starting to turn into a full crawl, but I have a feeling you’ll be walking by time you’ve master the crawl. 

It’s late, and I should get sleep now that you are finally in silent slumber.

I hope you sleep well, sweet girl. 

Life Goes On

Sometimes I wonder if the hellmouth is really just any place where more than one child screams and whines at the same time. The path leading to insanity begins out of the mouth of two screaming children, both demanding your attention at the same time, but both need different things you can’t provide while you hold them both. 

So then you must put one down. Who do you disappoint first? But I don’t really care about their disappointment. No, they must learn how to deal with it. It also means you must listen to their nails-to-the-chalkboard screaming while they learn to cope. 

It’s exhausting. And it’s trying. And often I fail. It sucks to fail. But I am human and sometimes I just need a break. Yet my kids think otherwise and they get to deal with the consequence of that.

And life goes on!

How many days?

I’ve been off Facebook and twitter for several days, and while some days were just as frustrating, not having the doom and gloom in my face makes me feel a little at ease.

Hubs and I had two date nights. We enjoyed bruscetta one night and chocolate fondue the next. I made Sheppard’s pie today. I’m making baked Mac and cheese with bacon tomorrow. 

Fatty foods are ruling the house. And I feel like I need to make the time to keep it going as long as I can. Because who knows…?

All of K’s teething teeth are in. Four on top, one on bottom. That makes 7 the current count. I think another bottom tooth is coming in. Time will tell. I hope she gets relief soon.

O is becoming more kid-like with each passing day. The looks and the gestures. She has to tell me everything she knows and makes sure to make sure she knows I know. It’s cute and tiring at the same time. I don’t yet regret wishing for the talking. 

6 days

The morning was spent taking care of my girls while my handheld addiction device known as my phone stayed in the bedroom. I spent about 15 minutes texting while I fed K, but the rest of the time it was put out of sight.

The whole day I had to fight the pull to go look at it. 

Last night I deleted Facebook and twitter from my phone. I did get on fb on the computer to check something, but other than that I kept my distance.

This evening, hubs and I made art for the girls: their names written in glitter glue on pink construction paper. It is very cute.

I succeeded today. There were some minor annoyances like O refusing to nap for about two hours, and by time she did fall asleep, K was waking up. But the evening has both kids sleeping at a reasonable hour, and we both got the break we’ve been desperately needing. 

We really needed it.

Six Teeth at Once

Having one of those nights of endless crying.

I think I reported K having five teeth coming in at the same time. At least three are definitely broken through, two at either there or really close, and now I think there is yet another working its way up.


I’m contemplating staying up to do cleaning, but I am quickly losing motivation. I’m just glad to have got this day of writing in.

Lazy Day

Not much happened today. I was able to catch a midday nap when #2 took a nap. It was nice. 

O has some sort of weird cold. She has a cough but only at certain parts of the day. It’s worse at night. She complains that her mouth hurts but refuses medicine. She was a cranky butt for most of today.

Any time I looked in the mirror today, there was a moment of shock. Oh yeahhhh… I chopped off my hair! It’s not just pulled back into a weirdly tight ponytail. I head banged today. It was interesting and weird. Haha.

Lazy lazy day. As much as one can be while taking care of two small people.

I Miss This

Ok, seriously. I’m having too much fun writing that I am going to stay up late and get some done!

Let’s talk the girls. I say the girls, but really what they are is my world. That’s an awkward sentence. Anywho! My life revolves around these beautiful little people, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But boy do they drive me crazy.

Poor K, my 9 month old, has five teeth coming in at once. Oucchh!! That cannot feel good. Which has really caused some crazy nights lately. She has always been a night owl ever since July when both kiddos came down with a nasty illness. I had sleep trained her, and it was working really well… then the five teeth started. Yay!

Probably because she was finally getting some sleep.

I think they’re all through now, but I am still dealing with the fallout of now having to start sleep training all over again. That’s a pain.

Then there’s O, 2.5 years old. She’s reached the stage where she has more agility, more confidence, more dexterity, more imagination. All these things are coming out all at once. It makes her so so so excited. She loves to learn, but I think more she loves to share what she has learned. It’s a sort of “Look at me and all the knowledge I have! I must vomit everything I know on you RIGHT NOW.” And then she does. But you always have to repeat back to her what she said so she knows you understood her.

She’s getting better lately at allowing me to acknowledge her words by continuing the conversation. It doesn’t always work, but it’s exciting when it does.

I treat both of them with a bit of a soft approach. Probably too soft for some. O is sensitive, and if I’ve learned anything so far, it’s that personality has a lot to do with it. K is less sensitive, but still needy all the same. She’s loudly needy, whereas O is wanting of cuddles and touching.

I think O has her molars coming in, which is just so fucking fantastic. Both kids crying at the same time is one of the worst sounds in the world. Especially to a mom. Because it goes right to your core and your whole body just feels so fucking uncomfortable. Uggghhhhh.

I laughed about it tonight though. It’s frustrating as all fucking hell, but it’s hilarious that I willingly signed up for this shit. The rewards outweigh the often overwhelming bad days where you get zero breaks and everyone is just WHINING right in your face.

But sometimes man…………….

Can’t I just have an hour of quiet me time without someone needing me?