When I am in my worst state – the kind of depression that makes one isolate in a spiral of self-hatred – I often forget about the people I consider friends. “Relationships are a two way street” is a line I remember clearly from a Japanese movie I adore. The depression prevented me from wanting to reach out to people – to build those connections necessary to ‘receive’ the kind of love I needed in those moments. Self-hate causes one to believe that everyone else feels exactly the same way you do about yourself, which makes it very hard to reach out to people. Luckily I am not currently in that funk, and I reached out to a friend to ask his opinion on my previous post about credibility.
To graciously quote my friend, he said, “Myself, I don’t tend to seriously question someone’s credibility unless or until I’m given a reason to do so.” These words stood out to me because I was working from a perspective that trust/credibility is built first, rather than something that is assumed until given a reason not to. Of course he is talking from his own perspective, but I tend to follow the same approach, for the most part. It’s hard not to be disenchanted by people when there are daily headlines of reporter’s finding elected officials lying about their credentials. Finding a balance between trust and suspicion is hard in these days of misinformation, disinformation, and straight up lying.
Often I ponder the purpose of having a blog. Aside from the purpose of writing, I don’t really have a particular audience or topic in mind. I had thought about trying to read all the articles I have open on my phone browser tabs and write some sort of reaction to it. The biggest struggle is finding the time. I am aware that I have an unfinished thought from a previous entry, and it would be nice to somehow to back and finish whatever it was I was going to say. Another reason why I struggle to write is that I continue to devalue my own voice. This goes back to the credibility thing: I feel like because I have no real credentials, field of study (in an official capacity), nor the experience to Speak On Certain Topics, I mute myself completely from even trying.
Non-fiction dominates my reading pile these days, and a majority of what I read come from scholars who cite their sources. Ideally I would choose one topic a week and spend the week doing the research necessary to feel Confident that I Know What I’m Talking About. That would require a schedule…and consistency. Skills I do not possess. Alas alas, I suppose the only thing I can do is get over myself and write what I want, research when I can, and let the reader know that if you really want to know more about whatever it is I’m talking about, here’s a list of resources. Bam bam bam. Wipe my hands and be done.
I’ll figure my shit out eventually. Maybe. I guess I’ve been saying that for coming on nine years. Ha! Eventually will come eventually.
Saffron Coelho 