Something that drives me crazy lately is how I am perpetually stuck in the planning phase. I’m comfortable in this phase. It’s nice to map out what I want to do. I’m really good at planning. One thing I love to do is pull together class schedules. I plot out my imaginary graduate itinerary, look up the textbooks for the class, see how much they cost. So many classes to take, how will I narrow it down? Many possibilities!
But wait.. what about the actual DOING?
Doing is not my strong suit. Right now. I’m stuck, and I don’t really know how to free myself. Four and a half years of being home-bound, one car, one income, no free time during hours where the doing can take place. I feel like I’m spitting out excuses. Are they? I don’t know. Other people can make it work. I just don’t know how they do it. Surely they have help, right? Or just so strong willed they power through.
Prior to kids, I was an adventurer. I loved travelling. I didn’t do it often, but if there was a Japanese band playing that I just had to see, you better believe I was there. Anime conventions where I stayed in hotel rooms with 8+, 12+ strangers (to go see a band). I loved to drive, I loved to fly. Travelling alone was no big deal.
Now I’m having to navigate the world with three people depending on me. I can’t just up and do the things I want to do when I want to do them. We have few friends who are willing to babysit, and I think we are feeling stuck that we don’t want to ask too much, too often, because we cannot compensate and that’s not really fair. I honestly don’t know what the etiquette is with friends/family babysitting. Is there one?
So I guess I was a doer, and now I’m not. I wonder if I lean too heavily on sleep deprivation being the excuse. Or depression. I swing back and forth between being able to do things for myself and feeling absolutely hopeless. My path forward is meandering so much that I’m not even sure when it’ll end. That ocean must be here somewhere. I just wanna get to that sea and chill in the waves. WAVES OF ANXIETY PROBABLY. It is grad school I strive for after all.
Anyway, my days cycle through reading books/articles, knitting, focusing on the kids, or doing nothing at all. Sometimes cleaning happens. I try to cook dinner most nights. I yearn to be better at everything. More often than not I shut down and feel like a complete failure. I’m feeling failure-y tonight. I’m not even sure why exactly.
Well, one of these days, I will do the things I plan. I want to list out my plan but I’m kind of over it. Tomorrow is a Do day.
Saffron Coelho 