I’m out to get my hair cut, but it seems so is everyone else. I just wanted to walk into a place and have it done, but I will have to wait. 

When I left the house, I intended to not be gone for very long. K is napping and O is doing whatever. I don’t know why I feel so guilty leaving the kids with the hubs. I think it’s mostly due to him not having a lot of experience handling both kids at once. K is a handful all by herself. O is manageable most of the time. When they both meltdown at the same time, pandemonium abounds. (Too lazy to look up whether I used that phrase correctly. Yes, I frequently look up words to make sure I’m using them right.)

Now I’m sitting inside the mall, listless and unsure of how to spend my time. In front of me is a woman wearing a pink shirt, stocking cupcakes into a glass case. She smiled at me when I caught her eye. Many parents are walking by with tots trailing or running ahead. I spy a young woman, perhaps a teenager, with the same Hello Kitty backpack my three year olds loves to tote around. A man whose back is toward me has a shirt that says “Stop Forrest Stop.” I wonder why anyone would buy that shirt, let alone wear it.

I still have 50 minutes before my appointment. I think I’ll find a directory to see if a bookstore exists nearby. I dont think there is one. 

I just sneezed and a man walking by said “Bless you.” I appreciate the kindness.

I’m taking a time out from the kiddos to hide in my bedroom.

I was able to finish flashcard group 81-100 yesterday. I really had to make myself do it, but I’m glad I got it done. 220+ to go. I will probably get started on 101-120 later today.

After I got home yesterday, I was trying to figure out what it is that helps me relax. I pondered what I used to do, pre-kids, when I just wanted to tune out and just be. I realized that I spent a lot of time on social media, which honestly is not my cup of tea right now. I also took a lot of time to just lie on the bed, thinking. And I wrote. A lot.

When I was in junior high and high school, I spent a lot of time playing around with making websites and writing stories. Deadjournal, greatestjournal, My Dear Diary, and Xanga all became, at different times, a way to vent or talk about my life. While I had friends, I didn’t connect to them very closely. Writing was a haven. It helped me cope with depression.

Up until a few months before O was born, I wrote often. More creatively than nonfiction ramblings about life, but it was writing. I got ideas out of my head and down onto “paper”. I haven’t had that release in quite a long time, and I think it has contributed to my depression. I spend too much time in my head, unable to find release. Medication has helped, but it certainly isn’t therapeutic like writing is.

I suspect I’ll be posting here more often. Mostly as a way to unwind. I don’t really expect to gain a readership, I never have. Mostly I write for me, but having an audience is also something I require for some reason. I’ve always wanted to be internet famous, but I am not an interesting enough person to get any attention. Plus modern internet fame is different than what it used to be, I think. I really don’t know anymore. My definition of what “internet cool” means is antiquated.