A Very Random Post

Yesterday I did some major rearranging, a little bit of cleaning, and unpacked about four boxes. While most would think that isn’t very news worthy, I must point out that we haven’t really unpacked anything since moving in last April. It wasn’t essential to daily life, it stayed in a box.

We have a tremendous amount of stuff, namely junk. There’s a whole storage unit full of who the fuck knows what. It’s a huge money pit.

K was two weeks old when we moved from our last apartment. The move was chaotic. Awful, really. We had done zero prep for it. Hubs was busy and tired with his job, and I was tired, pregnant, and dealing with a toddler. Both hubs and I are really low energy people. It sucks in a lot of ways.

The kids are still at a point where it is difficult to get much done while they’re around or awake. They demand a lot of attention, cry and fuss when they don’t get it. When I do try to do something while they are awake, they’re in the way, throwing things I’m trying to organize into disarray.

This is all a tangent from the real point of my starting this post.

I’ve been having a lot of mental fatigue. I feel like I’m losing my facilities, mostly due to lack of use. My thoughts wander often, unable to complete a thought. I’m struggling now to write this post. I feel very tired.

I’ve been doing a very poor job at taking care of myself. I have post partum depression. Well, let’s be real, I’ve always had depression and the birth of my children has severely aggravated it.  I was taking medication for a while, but as it ran out, I neglected to get it refilled. I have to start the process over again. And the medication I was on had a side effect of increased suicidal thoughts. I was definitely affected by that side effect. But it eased up around the third week of being on meds. I don’t want to go through all that again. But I definitely need to be on something.

I’ve also been neglecting to feed myself properly. Most days I forget to eat until dinner time. I’ll each a sandwich for lunch; sometimes I remembered to have oatmeal for breakfast. Most days coffee sustains me, which is really awful.

Laziness is a huge part of my daily life. Unless it involves taking care of the kids’ basic needs, I am zoning out on my phone. I play with my kids when they call for my attention, but I do very little for myself that is meaningful. Reading news articles and headlines isn’t relaxing.

There’s a lot I want to change, that I need to change. It’s hard though… Hard to find the willpower (I have motivation) to get started. Hard to keep it sustained. Hard to not just want to curl up on the couch and lie around all day.

I came to the conclusion the other day that I have some major mental health problems. I thought I was just a shitty person. Flaky. Lazy. All those other negative connotation words that self deprecate. I think if I can find the right balance of medication to get me started toward a healthier me, that eventually I won’t need the medication at all because I’ll be eating healthy, exercising, doing meaningful things that find balance and mental happiness.

Getting started is hard. I need to get started.

A letter to K


You had a rough night tonight. You looked like, and sounded like, you were in a lot of pain.

It sucks being a mom sometimes, because there is not a lot I can do to help. I gave you pain meds, and I gave you love. It wasn’t enough to help you feel better.

At times you let me put you in your crib, and I sat on the floor tickling tiny baby feet that stuck out between the crib slats. It worked as a good distraction for a while. You even lay your head down, and I caressed your hair. I stopped too prematurely because you sat up again.

We tangoed often tonight. I put you down and left. You cried and growled and screamed. I came back in and held you for a bit. It wasn’t until nearly 1am that you finally snuggled into my chest as I hummed a made-up song for you. Your body limp in my arms, I gently lay you down for the last time tonight. 

You’re 44 weeks (10 months), which is a wonder week. You are definitely more cognitively able to communicate and move around now than you were just a few days ago. You’re pulling yourself up on anything sturdy enough to hold you. Your favorite object to use is me or your papa. Once you’re standing, you try to snatch the glasses off of our faces, and you often succeed. It’s very irritating. You’re quite the master.
Military crawl is starting to turn into a full crawl, but I have a feeling you’ll be walking by time you’ve master the crawl. 

It’s late, and I should get sleep now that you are finally in silent slumber.

I hope you sleep well, sweet girl.