Serendipitous Validation

The knowledge that floats in my head is disjointed and piecemeal. I can point to several books I have read to gain some of this knowledge, but most of it I gleaned through twitter threads, news articles, magazine articles, or some other short-form media. Because I have a wide variety of surface-level (and perhaps some just below) awareness on a lot of topics, I’ve come to reach conclusions that I have not yet read. So I was elated when I went to research my current hypothesis only to find scholarly writings that speak on this very topic.

I spoke to husbae about this phenomenon: There’s something magical about this round about way of coming to a conclusion and finding out that others have too. He asked, what would you name that feeling? He came up with validation. I said serendipitous, without really knowing the definition. Except I did. How extraordinarily serendipitous. I wish I could remember how I finally came to learn that term.

The writing of this essay is going very slowly. I’m distracted by ten thousand different things, but finding a few articles that cite other sources and confirming my idea is helping me find focus. Focus is super hard right now: I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions. I don’t know how normal people cope. I think I can cope, once I learn how, but I don’t know how yet. I like the challenge though. A lot of important things are happening all at once, and I feel like I’m finally contributing in a meaningful way.

Trial and error. How important it is for us to fail so we are forced to see what kind of person we are. I give husbae credit for these thoughts: the measure of self doesn’t occur when everything is going right — the true test comes when you’re at your worst; that’s when you’ll see what kind of human being you are.

Things move slowly, but they’re moving. Progress is glacial. Gotta find a way to train for the marathon, and stop sprinting all the time. It’s not really how my brain works, but I’ll figure it out. Hopefully. Maybe. I feel like I’ve taken steps in the right direction. Keep it moving, so says Mariame Kaba.

The Road to Liberation

Today I want to take the time to philosophize what I do, why I do it, and what I hope to achieve. Part of the reason why I’m writing this is to give myself a better roadmap from which to work, and the other part is because I know people out there will come with their own assumptions of my purpose, and I might as well spell it out so assumptions don’t need to be made.

The anti-racist road has many forks, and anyone with an interest in human wellness can start on any road. Mine was linguistics. Others may be music, sports, movies, general culture, healthcare, education, legislation, etc etc etc. Because racism and white supremacy is embedded in every system, all roads will lead to the same The Arc de Triomphe: the place where you see how everything is interconnected and cannot be untangled. When we fight our individual fights in our small realms, we fight for the greater good of the humanity of all. Not only do we need to take individual action, but we also must take collective action – for it is within collective action that we have the largest voice.

Those of us who engage in anti-racist work often call ourselves ‘amateur historians’, for it is through the lens of historical context that we must view our societies and its ailments. Most people know intuitively that history is written by the winners, and as a result, the truth of history tends to be warped to paint the winners as Triumphant Civilizers rather than Oppressive Destroyers. Those who resist the winners of history are described in ableist terms such as “crazy” (see John Brown) and are often dehumanized or subhumanized. While I don’t consider myself a well-read individual, what reading I have done of first-person accounts of slavery, reconstruction, Jim Crow era, and present-day tribulations have been enough to open my eyes to see how intentionally cruel the Winners of History have been and continue to be.

A few months ago I decided to make a mind-map of how white supremacy works. As it became more and more complicated, I suddenly became very self-aware of how much of a ‘conspiracy theory’ the map was turning into. As much as I want to publish what I started, I know how the multitude of connecting lines would cause people to give me the side-eye stink-eye. As an abolitionist, I’m very conscious of the skepticism and dismissiveness that people already have for me. Abolition of police and prisons is quite the radical idea, one that we have not yet tried or seen in the history of the world. A world without punishment seems like an idealist utopian fantasy, but why not shoot for the moon knowing that all progress moves at glacial speed? Studying history shows that this fight – the fight for abolition, the fight for humanity – is not a recent conception: many people have died for the cause, because if we don’t people will die anyway, and quite terribly too.

I do truly believe in a world without punishment and a world of abundance. The scourge of capitalism is using the cost-benefit analysis to fit all people and problems into one-size-fits-all boxes and solutions. Collective and individual needs will vary, and so too should the solutions. But it requires slowing down (but time is money!), being willing to see nuance (but we want quick solutions!), and having the money (but our profits!!) and resources (but our PROFITS!!) available to implement solutions that will actually address root causes. Sometimes, the only way to reset a broken foundation is to bulldozer everything away and start anew, so that the new foundation is level and sound and will last long-term.

Even in my efforts to hold elected officials and policing accountable, it is not punishment that I seek; it is humanization that I seek. American society’s use of white-washed history places blinders on many of us, especially white people. We move through life absorbing harmful ideologies that we don’t even realize we have until it’s pointed out to us. Because we are an individualistic society, people new to the anti-racism movement will inevitably become personally victimized when it is brough to our attention:

“You harbor white supremacist ideology.”
“HOW DARE YOU.”
“It’s because society taught you it.”
“YOU JUST CALLED ME A RACIST.”
“Well… I mean… we absorb racist thoughts and ideas without realizing it.”
“I AM NOT A RACIST.”
“The only way to not be complicit in racism is to actively fight against it.”
“YOU SAID I’M A COMPLICIT RACIST.”

This circular argument is neither unexpected nor surprising. We have to process our feelings, our station in society, and how we have moved through life holding onto harmful ideas that lay beneath our consciousness. It doesn’t make any person a bad person – unless, you know, they’re actively fighting to allow their bigotry to go unchecked (like the hard-right GOP and other people who love the idea of hierarchy). As a white woman who has ruminated long and hard about my own complicity, I am willing to give space for people who reflexively push back. I also give space for BIPOC to have no patience for that push back.

So, with all that in mind, here is what I’m trying to do:

Accountability in local, state, and federal government is not easy to do. It is hard, messy, complicated, time consuming, infuriating, crushing, and hopeful all at once. This is why investigative journalism exists. I do not have an interest in journalism, but I do have an interest in knowing how my governments are fucking people over. To do this, I make public records request. I’m still learning the nuance of making these requests, and I’m still learning what to do with the information that I receive.

Here’s why I’m doing it:

The place I live has had a very white population, but due to the housing crisis, more BIPOC peoples are moving to the area. The kind of investigative journalism that exists in other parts of the country don’t quite exist here. And the areas of concern that our white journalists have don’t align with BIPOC community needs.

Here’s what I’m hoping to achieve:

The local governments (city- and county-level) has a good-old-boys-club feel to it, and in order to break up the very obvious corruption (like real estate moguls sitting on city council making laws and contracts about land within city limits), someone(s) need to have the paper trail that shows nefarious deeds. The paper trail can also be used for community activists to create policy that aligns with the nuanced needs of their communities (see the Seattle Solidarity Budget). As far as I’m aware, no one (or at the very least very few people) is engaged in the records excavation necessary to move these two ideas forward.

The ultimate goal is to create a more humane society. It has to start local, because it is where I live and where my friends reside. The “shoot for the moon because progress is glacial” means that I am aware that not all my desires will be achieved or achieved quickly. All anti-racists have the same rallying call: housing for all, universal basic income, free healthcare and education, have basic needs met including accessible nutritious food and clean water, free healthcare and education, a robust transportation system, support services for our disabled friends and community members, gender equality, racial equity (reparations), culturally responsive activities and events, celebration of our differences! ET CETERA.

Can little ol’ me achieve all those things? No, of course not. That’s why community involvement is absolutely necessary to move the needle of progress forward. But for now, my nose is in local budgets and policies so we can have a solid foundation from which to build. The road I travel down is toward police and prison abolition. The road my husband travels down is educational freedom and building students to have critical thinking skills. My children will choose something that they’re interested in. My friends have their own roads to go down. But hopefully we’ll all meet up at the Arc de Triomphe with our little triumphs that we can throw into the soup of liberation. Sloppy metaphors are my specialty.

Existing with Shitty Brain Chemistry

Brain chemistry is a funky thing. As inflation continues to rise and all the other bullshit capitalistic crap that goes along with it, it’s hard not to feel depressed. But the depression that comes from external forces is often easier, for me, to deal with than when my brain chemistry gets fucked up. I’m in the midst of a depressive episode as I write this, and it has everything to do with drinking some pinot noir, a red wine.

I’ve noticed in the past about how depressed I would get after drinking wine. I don’t know if it’s the brand, the type (pinot noir vs merlot vs cab sav, etc.), the fact that it’s a red, or that it’s wine. I know I’m not affected this way with all alcohol, but how my brain responded with this particular wine has had a devastating effect on my ability to regulate my emotions and sense of self-worth. Today I’m having to fight a brain that wants me to shut down, to cry, to hide away, that tells me that life is too hard and wants to give up. “How are you?” People ask, and depending on my relationship to them they either get “I’m well” (lie) or “I’m existing” (the truth). Existing has to be good enough for today.

I missed work yesterday due to my inability to get out of bed. I ‘noped’ my way out of most of the morning, and if I hadn’t had my kiddos at home, I probably would have stayed in bed all day long. When I was merely existing before, I didn’t have the weight of capitalism on me – meaning, I didn’t have a job I had to go to. I am forced to rally, for the sake of living and making a living, and put on the pleasant face for the rest of the world. I’m learning that I have to once again compartmentalize my feelings and emotions. And while the joy I share is not fake, because I have been smiling and laughing today, deep down inside I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep forever. “Sleep” and “forever” is not necessarily a euphemism for death, because eventually I will be ready again to interact with the world at large. I would prefer to be lethargic and unresponsive while I’m in this mental state. But the world keeps on turning, and so too must I turn with it.

Continuing the Topic of Credibility

When I am in my worst state – the kind of depression that makes one isolate in a spiral of self-hatred – I often forget about the people I consider friends. “Relationships are a two way street” is a line I remember clearly from a Japanese movie I adore. The depression prevented me from wanting to reach out to people – to build those connections necessary to ‘receive’ the kind of love I needed in those moments. Self-hate causes one to believe that everyone else feels exactly the same way you do about yourself, which makes it very hard to reach out to people. Luckily I am not currently in that funk, and I reached out to a friend to ask his opinion on my previous post about credibility.

To graciously quote my friend, he said, “Myself, I don’t tend to seriously question someone’s credibility unless or until I’m given a reason to do so.” These words stood out to me because I was working from a perspective that trust/credibility is built first, rather than something that is assumed until given a reason not to. Of course he is talking from his own perspective, but I tend to follow the same approach, for the most part. It’s hard not to be disenchanted by people when there are daily headlines of reporter’s finding elected officials lying about their credentials. Finding a balance between trust and suspicion is hard in these days of misinformation, disinformation, and straight up lying.

Often I ponder the purpose of having a blog. Aside from the purpose of writing, I don’t really have a particular audience or topic in mind. I had thought about trying to read all the articles I have open on my phone browser tabs and write some sort of reaction to it. The biggest struggle is finding the time. I am aware that I have an unfinished thought from a previous entry, and it would be nice to somehow to back and finish whatever it was I was going to say. Another reason why I struggle to write is that I continue to devalue my own voice. This goes back to the credibility thing: I feel like because I have no real credentials, field of study (in an official capacity), nor the experience to Speak On Certain Topics, I mute myself completely from even trying.

Non-fiction dominates my reading pile these days, and a majority of what I read come from scholars who cite their sources. Ideally I would choose one topic a week and spend the week doing the research necessary to feel Confident that I Know What I’m Talking About. That would require a schedule…and consistency. Skills I do not possess. Alas alas, I suppose the only thing I can do is get over myself and write what I want, research when I can, and let the reader know that if you really want to know more about whatever it is I’m talking about, here’s a list of resources. Bam bam bam. Wipe my hands and be done.

I’ll figure my shit out eventually. Maybe. I guess I’ve been saying that for coming on nine years. Ha! Eventually will come eventually.

How is Credibility decided?

Credibility occupies my mind these past few weeks. It started when someone I know posted a video where the speaker claimed to be an ‘expert’ and rattled off a fancy title to make him sound more credible. This “senior fellow” received his title at an “institute”, but when you look up the institute, you find out that the organization is a non-profit that specializes in research for policy change. In other words, they’re lobbyists. Due to this ‘expert’ making claims about the ‘fall of men’ that had everything to do with the attempts of women receiving equality, I found myself scoffing and readily dismissing this person’s expertise.

I love looking at definitions, so let’s look at the definition of credibility.

credibility
noun | cred·i·bil·i·ty ˌkre-də-ˈbi-lə-tē
1: the quality or power of inspiring belief
an account lacking in credibility
2: capacity for belief
Her account exceeds credibility.

Now let’s look at authority:

authority
noun | au·thor·i·ty ə-ˈthȯr-ə-tē ȯ-, -ˈthär-
1 a: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior
the president’s authority
b: freedom granted by one in authority : RIGHT
Who gave you the authority to do as you wish?
2 a: persons in command, specifically : GOVERNMENT
the local authorities of each state
b : a governmental agency or corporation to administer a revenue-producing public enterprise
the transit authority
the city’s housing authority
3 a: GROUNDS, WARRANT
had excellent authority for believing the claim
b: convincing force
lent authority to the performance
4 a(1) : a citation (as from a book or file) used in defense or support
(2): the source from which the citation is drawn
He quoted extensively from the Bible, his sole authority.
b(1): a conclusive statement or set of statements (such as an official decision of a court)
(2): a decision taken as a precedent
(3): TESTIMONY
C: an individual cited or appealed to as an expert
The prosecutor called the psychiatrist as an authority.

It’s important to point out that definitions are descriptive vs prescriptive; that is, dictionaries define words according to how the word is used or commonly understood (descriptive), rather than HOW IT MUST BE USED (prescriptive). Language changes all the time and so too will the definition of words. Having these definitions help me understand what it is that I’m trying to argue, or wrap my head around, etc.

My personal crusade involves an attempt to shift cultural attitudes towards police and prisons to eliminate the need for such institutions. I came upon this ideology through reading materials from a variety of what I consider to be credible sources – academics, scholars, journalists, historical figures. Through their analysis and citing of sources, and through my own understanding of what it means to be human, I concluded that the people I chose to listen to are not only credible but an authority on the subject. Most of the people I learned from have doctorates degrees or in the process of getting one.

And then there’s me: a self-described nobody. I have an undergraduate degree in Japanese language that is relatively useless. I hold no special titles. I’ve done little in the way of volunteer work. What little credibility I did have I squandered and am now trying to rebuild from the ground up. And yet I attend city council meetings and speak with an authority that I know I don’t truly have.

Why listen to me? Because I read non-fiction books? Because I engage with peer-reviewed academic literature? That perhaps one of these days I’ll go into even more debt to return to school to earn another degree that may lead to some sort of credibility and authority? I have said, and will continue to say, that I am not the one anyone should be listening to. I try my best – with fluctuating results – to amplify those who do have more credibility and authority than me. That is the best I can do at the moment. Yet I know I shouldn’t be so ready to dismiss myself just because I don’t have the white supremacist colonial ideal of holding a position of authority or earning a higher ed degree to have credibility. However, this is the reality and word I live in; this is how most people operate.

So what do I do? What should I do? I suppose we all got to start somewhere, and if right now I use my little space on the internet to analyze culture, books, scholarly work, etc., it may lead to something more grand.

My biggest question – being the little peon I feel that I am in this big huge world – is how and why do I try to gain credibility while at the same time feeling like I get to readily dismiss those who also do not have it. Mr. Senior Fellow at blahblah Institute claims to be credible expert, and yet I, a person who holds no titles, feel like I somehow have enough critical thinking skills to dismantle this person’s claims. I think about the people who hold opposing views, whose reality is different from mine, who use their power/authority/credibility to dehumanize entire groups of people who look/act differently from them. Am I “better” than them for having more compassion, more willingness to look past transgressions, in order to see people as full human beings? While I try to build a world that eliminates hierarchy, am I not engaging in the same type of building of hierarchy? “I am more credible than you! Therefore the words that come out of my mouth holds more weight than yours.” Sounds like hierarchy to me.

Is this all just another existential crisis? Of course it is. This is where I dwell. Until I somehow gain confidence and/or authority and/or credibility in this realm of building new worlds in order to destroy harmful institutions, I will continue to ponder my place in this grand ol’ universe.

Mind Dump: Too Many Books

Because I want to build my writing habit, and because I am a low energy person who lacks the ability to manage time, I will inevitably post stream-of-consciousness, mostly unedited posts. I have a weird habit of posting first, then rereading it and making revisions from the published page. It’s weird. I’m weird. It’s not the worse thing, but certainly not becoming of The Professional Writer.

I spent part of my commute listening to more Toni Morrison. Anyone who has engaged her work knows she is the master of the craft. Listening to her nonfiction essays is delicious food brain for me. I’m eager to put those words into my brain via my eyeballs so that what she says sticks. She inspires me to write more, to be reflective, to try to somehow muster a minuscule amount of eloquence that she harbors in her writing.

I’m interested in too many books right now, and I’m making zero progress on reading any of them. Aside from the audiobook, I can’t seem to choose a story to focus my energy on. So many half-read books. So many unread books. There are books I started years ago that I feel I will have to start from the beginning to reorient myself to the writer and their topic. Two new books arrived today, and of course I started to read one of them. Will I continue reading it? No idea. The current trend is that I’ll get about halfway through it before I start another book. Maybe my challenge for February is to finish 2 books. FINISH. Even if it is one of the books I have in a half-state of read, like The Color Purple by Alice Walker. Or maybe East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Maybe I’ll keep on my Toni Morrison kick and finish listening to SLASH reading The Source of Self Regard and then doing the same for Beloved. I have a Zora Neale Hurston book sitting on my desk at work.

The only thing I’m consistent about is inconsistency. I feel the need to remind myself that. I sagely nod at the wise reminder.

Maybe later (or tomorrow) when I get the energy, I’ll write about my new found love of capybaras. No matter what I write from here on out, somehow, someway, I will mention capybaras. And I will draw a capybara. And I will make it my site logo. Yes. This will be done.

But now I am exhausted and shall sleep. Good night.

Important Words from Important People

Right now I am listening to the audiobook of The Source of Self Regard by Toni Morrison and narrated by Bahni Turpin. Within the collection of essays and speeches is a piece she wrote when she won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature in 1993. There is accompanying audio of her reading this speech on the night she accepted the award, but the version I heard was the one read by Turpin. I plan to listen to Morrison speak tomorrow for right now I want to write. The piece is an extended metaphor about the power of language and of humanizing language. In a way I feel like this piece came back to me at just the right time and the right place. I have listened to some of the audiobook a few years before, but I’m not quite sure if 1. I had heard this piece and, 2. Whether it would have resonated with me then as it does now.

Language is on my mind. It’s always on my mind. Part of the reason why I don’t write as much as I used to is because I care about the language I use. It takes a lot of time and effort to carefully write out my thoughts because a lot of my thoughts are a lot more complicated than they used to be. Because I use what I consider to be elevated language, a higher diction, and I’m now consciously aware of how my speech patterns differ from others. This is why I find it important to engage in political education — to create the shared vocabulary that is essential to understanding societal problems.

Within Morrison’s speech, she says, “The systematic looting of language can be recognized by the tendency of its users to forgo its nuanced, complex, mid-wifery properties for menace and subjugation.” Nuanced. Complex. Delivering life, birth, happiness, love. Political education is giving name to the nuance of language that is so necessary for delivering life, birth, happiness, and love. It’s complex, so discussion and dialog is a must. Within the same paragraph, she says, “Sexist language, racist language, theistic language – all are typical of the policing languages of mastery, and cannot, do not permit new knowledge or encourage the mutual exchange of ideas.”

Encouraging the mutual exchange of ideas when framed with mid-wifery properties – i.e. political education – burgeons the desire to create life-giving institutions that abolitionists are striving for.

TONI MORRISON LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE UNLOCKED IN ME. Thank you.

Trying to engage in dialog where there is a lack of understanding of the nuance of language drives home the need for slowing down a conversation long enough to explain words for common meaning. We must have a shared vocabulary. A lot of abolitionist and anti-racist education requires a lot of unlearning of concepts. These concepts are taught to us through culture (family, media, music, socializing), and you can’t know a thing unless it’s pointed out to you.

James Baldwin said, “If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.” Moving through the world with a love ethic means pointing out the dehumanization of another that we learn through the subtle nuance of language as taught via culture. The unlearning of harmful language is wrought with discomfort because we have to wrestle with our moral selves as we try to understand how we came to absorb such lessons. There has never not been a time when problematic language or imagery is being pointed out by someone — often and most likely by the people who are being hurt the most — but we are not conscious of what we cannot see.

Silencing the opposition is the only way to avoid accountability. James Baldwin said, “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” Accountability never feels good, because those of us with a good moral conscious feel guilt and shame. We have demonized guilt and shame so much that we avoid it at all costs. Or, that’s what the rich and powerful have done and have taught us.

But I digress…

Today I also took the time to listen to a podcast interview of Mariame Kaba. Both Morrison and Kaba galvanize me to take action. During the interview, Kaba shared the importance of accepting and taking lessons from failure. More words given at the right time at the right place.

My tiredness has set in, and so I will hopefully continue these thoughts tomorrow.

In Challenging Bigotry

What do you do when you challenge someone’s bigotry, and they choose to double down?

In my studies, the responsibility of cultural learning has come to the forefront of my mind. Living in America means living in white supremacist, patriarchal, etc etc. culture. A lot of what we learn is learned subconsciously, and each of us respond to this subconscious learning differently. For myself, dominant culture didn’t make sense. I’ve always bristled at it. Political education gave me the vocabulary to explain why. It simply boils down to dehumanization. I don’t dig on it, I’m not for it, and I have made it my active fight.

I tend to not like to go into detail about the things I do on the anti-racist side. I’ve learned to just shut up and do the work the best I can, and my best is good enough. Part of why I don’t talk about it is because I feel like I’m not doing enough. Yet on the other side, there is plenty that I do do, and it’s quite frowned upon to speak on it, especially as a white woman. I am actively conscientious of what I put out on social media, and I am also actively conscientious about who I speak with about it. Luckily I have the perfect person to speak to about it, and so I really don’t feel as squirrelly anymore.

Without getting too deep into the details, I’ll summarize my current existential crisis: my absolute specialty.

Here are a few creeds I hold close to my heart:

1. When it comes to how I view other people: do whatever the fuck you want as long as you’re not hurting yourself, people, animals, or the environment.*

2. I want to move through life lessening suffering.

3. I will always call out bigotry.

Because of the book I read recently, I also want to chose to live by what bell hooks calls a “love ethic.” I feel it highly necessary to give the definition of love hooks uses throughout her book:

Love: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. ~M Scott Peck

Love’s ingredients: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust — as well as honest and open communication. ~bell hooks

Which now leads to my current dilemma:

I recently called out someone’s bigotry. It’s been an interesting journey to experience this person through watching videos of their a stream-of-consciousness emotional vomiting. I see them once a week, for perhaps a few minutes and up to thirty minutes at a time. After I initially called out the bigotry in a way that was both regretful and, I feel, absolutely necessary for THIS PERSON, the encounters have been mildly awkward.

I’ve seen enough instances of bigotry being called out and people becoming defensive and doubling down. This is not news to me. This is quite the normal path we all choose to take the first time we’re called out on our shit. In our desperate need to feel humanized again, we allow anger to take over, because isn’t that what we’re supposed to feel when our personhood is challenged? That’s what we’ve been taught, subconsciously, through cultural values and norms.

I feel like I’ve been patient waiting for this person to come around. In some ways they have (though they probably doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve heard them curse capitalism when they didn’t have the words for it before), and in many ways they are struggling on what to do, so they do what is most comfortable to them — be extra bigot-y.

It has come to a point where I have decided that the effort on my part is wasted.

My struggle is that I am not sure what I will do when it comes time to let this person know that I am not going to converse with them anymore. This person likes to ask why, and I’m sure they will. Looking at my creeds and looking at the definition of love, should I not lean into my values when I speak to this person? Which is to say, will I say it nicely, or will I once again call out his bigotry and make him feel like shit?

Part of me, a large part of me, thinks that if someone can’t respect the first creed, then they should receive the same disrespect. But how are we to lead people to love if not by being loving? Is being direct showing love? Remember the definition above — I ain’t talking about romantic love. I’m talking about the kind of love you show a person who is very lost and needs help getting back on track.

Who am I to say what the track is? Well, again, creed 1 is the track. And I feel like it isn’t that hard to do. Well, it takes a lot of learning and unlearning to be able to stop hurting people. I suppose what isn’t hard, for me, is the desire to do it. The actual doing is the hard part. Knowing that this person doesn’t want to, or doesn’t see the value of, following creed #1, what do I owe this person in return?

If I want to believe that all people have the potential for spiritual growth — and that is, to me, learning how to treat other people as the human beings they are (spiritual growth is much more than that but this is a good basis to start with) — then I must consider how to best treat a person who is riding stormy waters. Do they want to get out? I thought this person did. Is it my responsibility to get them out? I guess not. But I tried anyway. It didn’t work. The hopeful side of me wants me to add “yet” to the previous sentence.

It hasn’t worked… yet.

But I’m done trying.

I’ll continue pondering on this until I see this person again because even though this entry gave me some clarity, I’m still unsure of what kind of person I want to be.

*(Property doesn’t count as environment.)

Adding more Kindness to the World

When I was a teenager, I loved to build my own websites and frequently blog about my life. My blog and my website were separate entities, but sometimes I did mix the two together without any real lasting longevity. I recently registered a new domain name — and I continue to keep the one I’ve had since 2002 — but I really am not sure what it is I want to do with it. Do I have the time or desire to build something new, or should I just have it direct to a place like this blog (or a new blog?????) since web hosting is an expensive up-front investment? I think I know the answer.

The answer: I upgraded to a premium feature of wordpress and I’ll be directing my domain here. Just make it easy until I get some time to actually do more with it.

This year I have the desire to change everything about my life. I know it’ll be a slow process, and that I will inevitably fall back on old habits. I am easily distracted by a variety of things in my life, but one thing I think I must do is write more often. I say this every time I blog. “I need to write more.” YES OK LET’S DO IT.

Since I’ve started working, I’ve been more social than I have been over the last nine-ish years. I’m continually learning about myself, and one of the things I’m fairly proud of is my ability to be kind. Opening one self to chat with whoever – even if they’re a bit awkward – really does make a difference in how people respond. One of the downsides of being very friendly is that some people will mistake friendliness with flirtations or as an advancement for wanting to have a romantic relationship. I’ve had to tell at least one person, and I doubt this will be the last time I’ll have to do this, that I’m just nice to everyone.

I recently read the book “All About Love” by bell hooks, and it has given me new things to consider while also recognizing where I’m already doing a pretty decent job in following what hooks calls a “love ethic.” When I speak of love, my definition of love is different from most people’s understanding. We’re socialized into believing that “love” only applies on a romantic level or a familial level. “Love” between strangers or acquaintances isn’t really a topic that is discussed on a conscious level, and for me that kind of ‘love’ really just comes down to kindness, understanding, and a willingness to listen. Affirming people’s struggles through this shitty ass life helps people feel seen and heard.

I post unedited stream-of-consciousness videos to youtube where I use my commuting time to and from work to philosophize about the world based on the things I’ve learned from a multitude of marginalized peoples. I’ll be working on a series of videos as well as written posts that detail how language and cultural values shape our worldview in ways that are detrimental to human progress and happiness/contentment. Synthesizing the information I’ve absorbed through my scholarship is something I really look forward to doing, but honestly so many other people have already written books, made podcasts, given talks, etc etc. on this. I had used the idea that “this has already been discussed” as a way to silence myself, but I’m trying to break free of that because MORE people need to be talking about this considering how obnoxiously loud the hard right is with their dehumanization.

I don’t suspect my blog will get much in the way of traffic, but that’s besides the point. One more place for people to get ideas or understanding that lead toward kindness should always be offered.

Interacting with other people has been very lovely for me in the way that I’m able to really see the progress I’ve made from who I was in and prior to 2017 to who I am now. I’m quite proud. But there’s always more to learn, always more work to be done, and so I shall continue to do my best.

America the Shameful

Nearly 8 billion people live on this planet. It’s quite foolish to think that people think the same way. No two people will completely agree on everything. And while some people are open to new ideas and allowing their minds to change when presented with new information, a major majority of people are pretty set in their ideology.

It seems very likely that Roe vs Wade will be overturned by the Supreme Court according to a leaked memo to Politico. Naturally people are freaking out and super fucking pissed — well, the people I follow on twitter anyway. Of course there’s the other side that is celebrating and feeling as if their world-view is finally coming into fruition.

It’s really fucking odd to me how obsessed some people are about taking way other people’s autonomy. This dehumanization of particular groups of people for what…? Power and greed? Like. I think about how hard people fight for pro-life yet they have zero clue or zero inkling that somewhere close or far away, someone had an abortion, and that abortion affected pro-lifer’s life in zero ways.

It makes zero sense to me how tightly conservatives want to control the lives of strangers. And I know that to them, my ideology makes zero sense to them. The polarization of world view, cronstructed in pockets carefully crafted by red-line housing, has created people who can’t relate to other people because they’re never around other people who don’t think or act like them.

And then there are the democrats, who are pretty much conservatives performing as for-the-people democrats. All talk, no action, because they have the same sort of ideology as conservatives but know how to play the game to appeal to the other side.

The rich continue to get richer, the poor continue to suffer. It’s maddening, sickening, infuriating, and nauseating. They bleed every last drop of blood from us as flames lick the world.

As Marime Kaba says, “Let this radicalize you rather than lead you to despair.”